Last Post! 'Cause I Got Nothin' New to Say...(Unless Something Fabulous Happens. Then I will Update)

Ah, yes you may remember I write a blog.... Where have I been?  What's going on?  Did I die??  Good questions, all.  I am still here and I'm just fine!  The nerve damage is making very (very, very) slow improvements.  While I cannot lift myself up on my left toe, I can hold my weight on my tiptoe for several seconds now.  So, that's an improvement!  I only limp when I'm tired or hurrying now, and I can do a weird lopey run.  Wait...That's how I've always run.  Well, it's even stranger looking now.  Half my leg is still numbish and I think my days of wearing heels is over, at least for the near future.  Too bad, I have some damned cute shoes!

I am still stiff but I think most of my problem is psychological. I'm really afraid to fall.  I will start to ride my horses in the spring, baby steps!  I highly doubt I will jump them again though, I don't think me or dear hubby can deal with the anxiety that would cause!  So I think I'll just do pony rides, in a safe circle, in a round pen, at a walk.  At least for awhile!

I had promised to take better care of myself.  I am afraid my excercise level has dropped off.  That is clearly going to have to be a commitment I stay on top of because, it turns out I'm really lazy.  I am still focusing on using more natural, less artificial products!  This does not include Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (don't judge),  I love that stuff with real butter....but not more than once every other month.  Keep some balance!  

So, unless something fabulously interesting happens, I don't think I have much more to add.  If all of a sudden I'm on the short list for the Olympic Equestrian Team, I will let you all know!  Stay healthy and enjoy life!  Meanwhile I will remain awesome.  Just ask me.  

Screw You Fate! (just kidding fate...playing to the audience...no offense intended)

Went back to my home state, 16 long hours across 6 states.  I'm going to create a video game called Escape Montana, the goal being finding the border. It felt like we were in Montana 15 of those 16 hours.  It just would not end.  

While I was there, I went on my first trail ride since surgery.  I was riding Katie, she used to be kept at my house so I knew her pretty well.  We went with 4 other people and Katie wanted to keep up.  I wanted to go slow...like walk slow.  She thought that was B.S and that I was stifling her equine enthusiasm so some head tossing and pulling was involved.  I just wanted to stay at the back of the pack with another rider on an older horse.  

We went up hills and down, my left numb leg struggled so I listed to the right and the saddle wanted to pull over some.  Let's hear it for breastplates that help hold saddles in place!  When I walk I list to the left so at least it was a change of pace.  Now here is the exciting news!  I got off and I felt fine.  Like really, no worse than normal and normal is fine.  Yay!  I felt fine the next day too!  Double Yay!  Screw you fate.  I'll ride if I want too.  

All in all, the entire trip was great.  I was a bit achy due to driving, activities and a different bed and as usual, slow and limpy but hey, whatever.  My dear friend gave me a beautiful saddle and matching bridle and breastplate that will fit my giant horse Rome.  I have some confidence born from not dying on my trail ride.  Things are okee dokee.

We had a great time visiting friends and family and just hanging out. Shopping, cooking, eating and of course making soap.   It was a great trip and much needed.  

Another dear friend had a nasty spill off her motorcycle and I had a chance to see her at the physical rehab facility.  To her, I believe in you and your ability to make a full recovery.  Be easy on yourself and celebrate the little improvements!  Sometimes they feel few and far between, but thankfully, we do heal!

  

One Year and Counting

Today, one year ago things changed.  In the rather mundane task of picking up a bar of commercial soap (I note that because few people realize the dangers of using soap that is not hand crafted), a bar  that had fallen on the shower floor, I destroyed a disc in my back.  One bar of soap and one year later.  

I'm still recovering, I think I may be recovering for the rest of my life.  I wouldn't be surprised, I'm still trying to lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight and my daughter is 22 now.  Things take time.  It can be hard to be patient though.

I must be honest, I am not exactly where I envisioned myself.  In 5 days it will be the anniversary of my 1st surgery and then a few weeks later my second surgery.  So, because lists are fun lets see what I can now do that I could not do a year ago....wheeee!

- I can sleep in my bed

- I can walk up and down stairs like a grown up

- I can walk without falling down

- I am not taking truckloads of pain medication (my liver thanks me)

- I can stand upright

- I can pretty much live my life

What I cannot do

- stand on my left tiptoes

- walk in heels

- stop whining about the injustice of it all 

- feel half my left stupid leg

- run... Ok I've never really run like a normal person, I've always cantered.  I can canter on my right lead, I cannot canter well on my left lead.  Ask a horse person what I'm talking about.

What I should be able to do but seem to be having problems

- be brave enough to ride again

- walk with less of a limp.  I have gotten accustomed to limping, I tried to walk with less of a limp, roll of my weird numb toes more and I can.  Limping has become a bad habit.

What have I learned?  Life is pretty unpredictable.  I have had some crazy falls from horses, I've been in car accidents, I've lived an active and not risk free life.  I got taken down by a bar of soap.  So, enjoy every minute.  Enjoy the small things.  And most importantly, buy safe hand crafted soap, I just happen to have some.  

More of Nothing Much

Well everything has slowed down to a strange normality.  So, in an effort to sound "new and exciting" I have been doing the monthly update.  I don't want get boring.  Yes, it may be a bit late for that, rude to notice though.  

Exciting news, I think I can sort of almost stand on my left foot toes.  Yeah! Right?  It's faint, I prop myself up with both tippy toes and hold onto the counter and, here is where it gets exciting, I actually lift up my right foot and I think I can maybe feel a fraction of a second of resitance before I am back flat on my left foot.  Progress!  I mean it's only been 10 months, you can't expect miracles.  I will just continue to hope the neurosurgeon was right when he said he thought the nerve damage would repair.

I still haven't been on my horses.  I have to admit, I think I can sit on a horse but any sudden movements, or perish the thought, fall, still scares me.  Everything scares me though.  I am getting better about picking stuff off the floor though, so that is a little bit of awesome.  

I am doing a plane trip next month.  I intend to walk through the airport this time!  I am still not fast, thankfully planes have quit flying out of Western Nebraska so I am driving to Denver.  That means no connecting flights so no need to rush.  My last flight, as you may or may not remember involved wheelchairs.  That was cool, but has since ceased to be practical.  

I am seriously slacking on the physical therapy, I admit.  I think I feel better doing less but I feel sort of guilty like I should do more.  I am happily staggering about with my new weird soaping hobby...soap, soap for sale or trade!  Well you do what you can and don't whine about what you can't.  Ok, that's a lie, I whine all the time but so far that has changed nothing.   

Wheels Keep Spinning

Alright, not a lot is going on.  I guess that is good.  I am still really slow and limpy, I am beginning to abandon hope that the nerves are going to repair.  I don't know how to measure if there is any progress with that.  The other day I was walking and rolled my ankle a little onto the left side of my foot and listed hard because I have little feeling or strength yet.  Thankfully the couch was there so I caught myself.  I think perhaps tennis is still out of the question... I like tennis too.... Oh well.  

My leg muscle is still cramping up especially if I try to make it work.  I walked up the hill from the neighbor's house and tried to walk faster than normal slow.  That night, all night, that whole leg twisted like heads in the Exorcist.  I still can't stand on my toes or run.  I didn't run before so that's ok, but I'm shortish so I can't reach a lot of stuff.  If something falls on the ground, I still just look at it and think "Darn, too bad, I liked that too.  Well, it's gone now".   Getting off the ground?  I look like a turtle stuck on it's back, flailing about pathetically.  Sexy.  And I think I may never be able to kick someone in the head a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, unless of course they are already on the ground and passed out or otherwise immobilized.   

So, occasionally these little facts trigger massive bouts of self pity and annoyance.  I get all "woe is me! Seriously, woe is me". Dammit.  

Ok, this sounds whiny and....whiny.  It's not all doom and gloom, I'm sure.  I am pretty confident around my horses, I'm not riding yet but I don't worry they are going to just knock me over and eat me as much.  I have a new low impact hobby of making soap, pounds and pounds of homemade soap...so if my horses do knock me down at least I can get clean again.  I having gotten really comfortable asking people I don't know to carry stuff for me.  "You! Yes, you able bodied looking person....will you carry this box of work stuff out to my car?" People now sneak by my office door the same way the only person with a pickup truck sneaks by a moving neighbor.  And really, I'm not in a lot of pain I'm just stiff and stiff is not too bad compared to what it could be!  

The wheels keep spinning.  I'm bound to get some traction sooner or later....right? Time will tell. 

Soap...soap...soap.

Wait, I'm Back Here Again? How Does That Keep Happening?

Holding pattern.  Doesn't sound too horrible, but it is more annoying than one would initially think.  That is where I feel I am, in a holding pattern.  I get tired of limping, I get tired of my hip hurting but when I think about it, I know I am getting better.  But really, I don't have all year...let's get on with it already!  

I am afraid to do some stuff, like bending over or picking junk up.  I don't exactly know how to get over that but when push comes to shove, I can hold together.  For example, I went to a driving clinic (giddy up not varoom) and harnessed up a horse.  Later, said horse got into some mud in a ditch while I was in the cart and bucked enough for it to be concerning.  But, my back held through the josteling of the cart as he bucked us back up onto the road...whew!  This weekend, I nearly stepped on a snake and I successfully leapt out of the way without falling and landing face first on a pile of angry reptile.  So those are both successes!  

Downers?  Yes, it's not all bucking horses and pissed snakes, there have been some down sides too.  I am getting some weird muscle cramps in my left (the numb side) leg.  Very unpleasant.  I can't tell where or which muscle is cramping but it feels like the bone is involved somehow and it makes my foot turn inward.  This happens when I'm laying on the floor trying to do my physical therapy excercises, by the time I drag my carcass off the ground in a panic, I am DONE with them, whether I am or not.  that and my right hip still hurts.  I am back off all the medication again for the most part but yesterday and today I took the anti inflamitory naproxen again.  I had a crazy week at work last week and I find ever time I have felt rushed and scurrying about, I pay for it later.  Sort of a lose lose there, I don't know how to not be rushed at work.  

I went to physical therapy today, he gave me a few new tricks, I'm not walking as much as i was but I think that's ok.  All in all, I'm still better than I was 6 months ago, but no where near as good as I felt when I was 18.  Oh, the aging process and poor genetics (for lack of a better explanation as to why this has happened to me), is just not fair!  Whaaaa, whaaaa!  Whatcha going to do though? It doesn't really matter what how terrible or unjust the events seem, it beats a week in a Syrian refugee camp.  I am clearly too delicate for real trials and tribulations!  Lord, I'm a sissy....

Please Take a Big Step Back....

We got to my neurosurgeon's office on Monday to see my new therapist fellow.  I felt like I was limping less but moving stiff, bad enough that a coworker told me I walked funny.  Fortunately, I don't have any feelings so I wasn't hurt. Overall, I've been feeling much better.  I've had a few slow and hard to get out of bed days but substantially better than I was a few weeks ago.  That being said, I did need some hand holding and coddling to let me know everything was going to be ok.  

After polite introductions and questionairre including a map your pain areas on this drawing...an amazingly awkward experience because I never know if its suppose to be a mirror image or if I'm suppose to pretend that it's me and draw it like that, so I just feel dumb, we got started.  He prodded me some, asked me a bunch of questions, moved my legs around asking "does this bother you? Do you feel better sitting or standing?" and so on and so forth.  All in all, its 6 of one half dozen if the other, no huge differences unless I'm dragging my sorry carass out of bed or trying to get off of the floor.  In case you're wondering, hubby does look on in muted horror when I lay on the floor, he knows I struggle to get up but oh, how I love to lay on the floor!  I told him about that really busy work day, the excercises I was doing, how far and fast I was walking, and my general fear that things were going to hurt if I did them. "It hurts when I do this.  What is this? This is an actual question I asked my new physical therapist while I was digging a finger into my spine.  His response? "it's a tender spot, quit doing that." Good advice that I really can't argue with.

So, the prognosis?  Everything is healing up well.  After the "insult" of two surgeries back to back, it is going to take a little longer.  My fear has made me tense which cause my big motor muscles to engage too quickly so he gave me very small movement excercises to do.  Slow down! Walk 1 mile an hour and if I feel ok afterward and the next day bump it up to 1.1 miles an hour and very gradually build it up.  If I started to feel bad go back to where I was comfortable.  This is counter to what I was doing, I was trying to walk as fast as I could for as long as I could which was causing strain on the muscle bone connection because of my stiffness and limp.  This in turn was making it feel like rats were gnawing on my bones.  He called it minor Tendonitis, but that doesn't describe the misery accurately.  He only wants to see me 4 times, once every 2 weeks and just focus on tiny movements and relaxing into my body, trusting it won't hurt me then I can go to my old excercise list.  

I like this guy, he's professional and thorough, not to mention THE therapist working with my surgeon out of my surgeon's office, so experienced with my type of surgery.   He has an unplaceable yet reassuring accent so that added to his believability, like when Stanley said "Dr. Livingstone I presume" you just knew it was true.  It was Dr. Livingstone and I am going to be fine.