Twitchy Like a Meth Addict

You know how you perceive yourself versus how others perceive you, or as I like to call it "real life"?  I had thought of myself as being fairly laid back, come what may and I think I was when I was 20. I'm a long ways from 20 anymore and somehow In real life I have become a type A crazy person.  I stress about everything and tend to have unreasonably high expectation for myself. Cheerful huh? This reality has made me sad and I don't know how to calm the hell down.  

So what has caused this mild case of melancholy?  I expect I will be released to go back to work in December.  I work long hours, usually weekends, holidays, and I'm just keeping up...sort of. I found that the only thing that keeps me from working on vacation is going overseas where my work intranet won't accept my location for whatever reason and my work cell phone doesn't work.  I'm not working now because, interestingly enough, when I was prompted to change my password and changed it from home I got locked out of the system.  You can only change it while on the network.  The computer help desk told me "tough, go in to work and change it" but I can't because I'm on short term disability and not allowed on property.  I mean, they don't want me to take a header while on property and then try to hold them liable.  I wouldn't of course, but it must have happened.  

I know I cannot keep up my previous work schedule in a months time.  I am feeling good but I am slow and I get tired pretty quickly.  I'm feeling anxious of what the unspoken expectations will be.  And I don't know that my crazy type A personality "no excuses, just results" won't kick in and cause me to over do everything.  I can't screw up my recovery because I'm being an idiot though, so this stresses me out.  Ironically, stress also impedes your ability to heal so, great. 

On to other topics.  I'm happily chugging along on my treadmill, I am walking about 1 mile per hour now (which is twice as fast I was walking just a week ago) and I'm walking at least an hour, usually longer.  I don't think speed matters as much as the action of walking so a mile an hour is fast enough!  I don't want to go flying off the back of the treadmill, it's against the stairs so I would fall 2 floors before I hit the ground.  Certainly not conductive to the healing process!  I also found I can't play video games and walk, I rest on the console to keep my balance and it throws my weight off which hurts my hip.  It was almost a good idea!  

I'm baking again, so that makes me happy. Hubby is the official put it into and take it out of the oven guy, a dream job for him no doubt. I wish there was someway to turn that into a buck because I have tons of homemade bread and baking products stuffed into the freezer.  What are we going to do with all of it?  

I'm feeling good but still pretty stiff in the mornings, rolling over at night can hurt so I have to be careful and the tendon in my weird numb leg shortens up quick so I always have to be cautious the first few steps when I get up because my heel doesn't want to touch the ground (bizarre right?).   I have some achy-ness during the day but nothing even Tylenol worthy.   I'm doing great and feel like I'm recovering.  

I'm contemplating getting a tattoo to cover up my back scar, although I probably won't I'm still looking at them.  Maybe a Skinny Puppy thing in honor of my old Goth past!  We'll see see how gnarly the scar turns out.  What a strange and unexpected journey this has been!