Sometimes a Circle Feels Like a Direction

I had a bit of a set back, what a bummer.  I was sure that drilling holes through my spine would be a cake walk.  Done and done...right?  So, that concept didn't exactly pan out so whatcha gonna do?  Im happy to say I'm feeling better again, I've stopped taking the pain meds but now I'm nervous, I'm shaking.... How can I insure that I have blue skies ahead?  I staggered down the road to see the neighbors today, no problems.  I'm still crazy slow.  I have only treadmilled very lightly and I'm taking it easy.  That doesn't seem like a good long term solution though. I want to ride my horses, although I am seriously considering teaching them to drive, and walk like a normal person.  I want to be back to 100%.  Ok, I would settle for 95%. 

As a result of my above whine fest I decided to go back to physical therapy.  I'm going to a different guy, the one who actually works with my neurosurgeon's office.  My first appointment is the 21st.  I'm sad because this is expensive and I'm still in insurance deductible mode and it's an hour away.  I just didn't feel like my first PT guy listened to me though and in 5 years I don't want to be saying..."why wasn't it important enough to take care of...why, oh why didnt I go?" So in fear for future me, I'm sucking it up and paying the money and spending the time and burning my vacation time to go do this.  

It sounds terrible right?  What dreaded thing has happened?  Well, calm your worried mind my friend.  I did overdo it but I learned and I am listening to my body, like I should so I'm feeling better!  Now though, the muscles feel tight and nearly spasm at times and getting out if bed or off the floor is not graceful but I'm not in terrible pain.  Well, sometimes but only for a brief moment, it quickly passes!  But I am annoyed at being slow and I want to address this and the stiffness. I don't know what I should be doing...I need clarity and direction.  So, physical therapy may help.  So we will see!  

Drugs, Fast Cars, and Cheap Hotels

I've been staggering about feeling pretty good.  Then Friday came.  Yes, it's as bad as that.  I have been working hard, staying busy, trying to get stuff done.  A few Fridays ago, we had a frantic day.  I was scurrying about, lifting bending and SLOUCHING!  Not good.  I had been feeling some increase mystery pain on my right side, but man this turned to pain!  Sunday, I couldn't even sleep, it felt like rats were gnawing on my hip bone and lower back.  Rats that were on fire.  So I got up and found I could barely walk!  What? No!  So I drug my pathetic carcass down the stairs and to the drugs.  After looking at the Valium, I opted for a Tramadol, then sent my boss an email that I needed to take a vacation day in Monday.  Basically, that meant I worked from home on Monday, but whatever.  

So, I started taking pain pills again.  Ack.  I called my doctor and asked about it and they said come in so they could poke at me.  I've poked at me and I can't find a sensitive area but I'm in pain none the less.  I walked and was back to 1/2 a mile an hour. 

So while waiting...

We found a lovely ruby red Mustang.  About 10 hours away.  I had two vacation days that had to be used or I'd lose them by the end of the month.  I took Friday off and Monday too for my appointment.  And we got into our 1999 Escort for the drive.  Please remember that I'm on pain pills, so not as daunting as all that.  

Come on a journey with me.... So I'm the driver, we leave the house armed with our GPS and hit the dusty Nebraska highway.  We drive until I think I might die then stop for dinner.  We decide to get a hotel in Pueblo Colorado and opt for some cheap dive, sight unseen and booked the room.  We get to our lovely home away from home and I am immediately hit with a sweet weird cleaner (or rotting corpse) smell.  Ok, it seems do-able none the less.  Please remember, we've been driving for a long, long time and I'm feeling a little beat up and we are in the middle of nowhere, as usual.  So we are staying.   As I crawl into bed, I swear to God, there in a dime size spot of blood on the comforter.  Alright...the sheets seem clean so I tell hubby "do not pull the comforter up.  Don't do it!" he thinks I'm a mad women until I say "blood".  At 3:30 that sweet smell becomes unbearable, but hubby seems to be sleeping well so I just lay there thinking about bedbugs.  At 5:30, thankfully our alarm goes off and I'm up and in the shower.  While washing my hair (to get rid of any bedbugs) a little drop of diluted cheap shampoo gets in my eye.  Pain!  My eye turns bright red, and stays that way for a day and a half.  I say "we need to leave RIGHT NOW!  No coffee, no nothing... Get the bag in the car we are leaving.  We get to the dealership 3 hours later and the car is not as advertised.  Anyway, drama ensues with me yelling "that car does not have leather seats!  Where are the leather seats!" for about two hours.  Finally we cut a deal and sign the paperwork.   My parting comments after screeching about the lack of leather seats for hours with bright red eye a flashing....?  We're going for lunch, we're vegetarians, any suggestions!?!  Funniest part of the whole trip.  

Anyway, the trip in the new car was much more comfortable and we made it home in a day, no worse for wear.  

Monday, went to my doctor.  They poked about and said "hrmm, don't know.  It's not the SI joint." so good news, taking Tramadol twice a day still, they said stay off the treadmill for a week to recover and they said to keep taking the anti inflammatory drug neproxin.   So, I can do that. It's a drag, this is my first step back.  Thankfully though, I'm in a little discomfort but it's unlikely I will die.  

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Well, I am finding that I don't have much to say about the drama of being bolted together. That's good.  I have been working full, full time.  I spent last week in Blackhawk Colorado, giving presentations. That is around a 5 hour drive for the average person.  I car pooled with my boss, I was driving and of course got lost, so that added about an hour to the drive.  So, I was tired from the drive but not miserable.  

Yoga.  I went to my first yoga class last Tuesday.  That was not a flawless victory but I was there and did it, with my surgeon's office blessing of course.  I created the Floppy Dog and Wheezing Earthworm pose during that class, I'm sure they will catch on.  

My hip pain is much better, I have just stopped taking the Naproxen that was prescribed and I don't feel any different.  I think I can almost think that I am getting a little strength back into my foot.  I can't stand on my toes on my left foot yet, but I almost think I can lift it a fraction of in inch off the ground if I try really, really hard.  Not ballet dancer worthy yet, but give me a couple more months.  I was climbing on the counter the other day because I can't reach very high.  My hubby walked in and nearly panicked.  I really was stuck, but I am feeling well enough to start climbing on the kitchen counters.  I can't reach anything but I am gaining confidence.  So, a partial victory? 

I still can't jump on the bed, run, stand on my tiptoes, or bend over and touch the ground without bending my knees but I can work a full shift, walk with less of a limp, lay on the floor and get back up off the ground, and my balance is getting better.  Here is something I should have known though (fun horsie facts to follow).  When your horse is having a lameness or gait issue, you change the way they are trimmed or their shoes to help their stride and break over.  Right?  Everyone knows that.... Here's the thing, it never occurred to me that the same would be true FOR ME.  I got a super slick looking pair of tall black boots with a chunky 1 inch heel.  Guess who doesn't limp nearly as bad with that little bit of heel?  So, flat flat shoes aren't the best for me. Guess I have to wear my super cool black boots...I mean, it's for my health.  

Mixed Emotions are Not as Good as a Mixed Drink

Well, here I am...still recovering right?  Anyway, I am still frustrated by the nerve damage.  Is it better? The same?  I can't tell.  A coworker told me yesterday I was walking a lot better, so that's a good sign...right?  Or am I just getting used to it...? Anyway, that continues to be my biggest complaint.  So all in all, doing good!  Maybe the nerve damage is keeping me from over doing it, maybe it's a blessing, forcing me to take it at a reasonable pace.  My silver lining is also my bane. 

I'm still stiff and a little achy, I really think I can feel the rods or something.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird, almost like someone sliced me open and bolted metal parts into my back.  Crazy, I know!  I feel the worse at the beginning of the night after I've gone to bed.  This last week I've worked about 50 hours (and have to work this weekend to keep up, so not done yet) and I have a big presentation next week in Colorado, so that's a five hour plus drive one way so I think that's probably one of the reasons im feeling achy and don't I expect that to change anytime soon.  I'm afraid I've only been walking about half an hour a night this last week, so that's bad!  I know, I know, I have to set limits but this work crap isn't going to get itself done.  Ack!  I need to make sure I have enough energy to walk.  I need to stay focused on my health.  But, I really need my job too. Priorities. 

Anyway, I am getting off the floor after my physical therapy excercises much easier.  I am doing a lot of  the things, except ride my horses, that I did before surgery.  I feel fine.  Sometimes I get really distraught over the idea I might not  be able to do everything I want to do though.  Can I walk for hours through a town when we are on vacation?  Im so slow, I think not yet.  Can I rock climb again?  Well, there aren't any rocks close to where I live except for Devil's Tower in Wyoming and I don't think I could have ever climbed it, even in perfect shape.  Horses?  The doctor says yes, but falling off is scary.  I don't know, I'm projecting into an unknown future, it's scary, it's the unknown.  So I guess it's the same as it always was.  No guarantees good or bad for anyone.  

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Well, I wandered out into the world of air travel last week for a work trip.  My flight was scheduled for last Monday from the local, rural airport to Denver then on to Texas.  Perhaps you have read there has been a pilot shortage and our little airline only pays about $21,000 a year (process that for a sec, the PILOT makes about the same as the fry guy at McDonald's). I would say something about safety but honestly, they have some skin in the game, if the plane goes down they're going down too.  But still...no wonder there is a pilot shortage.  Anyway, I got a call on Friday that my flight was cancelled so I had to drive to Denver in the snow on Sunday. For those of you unfamiliar with this part of the country there is a whole lot of nothing between my home and Denver so it was a long drive with few safe places to get out of the car and walk around.  Thankfully, I made it to the hotel, so one leg of the journey down!

On to the airport adventure.  When I was checking my bags, I asked how far it was to my gate.  It was like 1000 miles, or it might as well have been.  People were scurrying around, swinging bags and luggage about, not looking where they were going and I will admit I was scared someone was going to crash into me and I would die.  Or fall down where I would be stuck on my back waving my arms around like the guy in Kafka's Metamorphasis.  All in all, not an appealing mental picture, so I sucked up my pride and asked for a wheelchair. 

Now, this is where my story gets awesome.  When you are being pushed in a wheelchair you cut to the front of every line.  So that long security line, yep skipped it all and straight to the front of the line and right to my gate.  Hmmm, embarrassing perhaps but I found that convenience was a definite balm to my ego.  Who knew?  One of the dubious benefits of being wobbley, stupid slow and lame.  

At the meeting two of the AVPs came to talk to me to see how I was feeling.  It turned out they had both also had back surgery. I am just amazed at how many people I keep encountering that had back surgery and recovered fine.  They were both so positive and understanding because they had been in a similar situation.  My co workers all seemed glad I was back and I only almost fell down once when I lost my balance,  got tangled in someone's computer bag,  tried to catch myself on the wall, naturally the accordion section of a dividing wall, which gave when I leaned on it, and down I was headed.  My boss caught me in mid fall so tragedy averted!  Oh, such beauty and grace! 

Anyway, I made the journey safe and sound.  It was exhausting and it took two days to recover once I got home but it was because it was tiring not because I was in a lot of pain, just as usual, achey.  Maybe I'm not ready for any big vacation trips yet and that is good to know!  Better to find that out while still in the U.S and not hiking through some foreign airport, right?

Escaping the Clutches of Death

So, I have found that insanely, intolerably, miserably cold weather makes the giant screws in my back ache.  According to my car's thermometer it was -10 on my drive home from work today.  Here, let me write that out...ten degrees below zero. So, my eyeballs freeze and my back aches.  Why...why do I live here...? 

I'm working full time now, I spend half the day standing and the other half sitting on my excercise ball.  As instructed by my doctor, I get up and wander the halls periodically, peering into offices and dragging my numb leg.  Sometimes I mutter to myself for effect.  People are getting accustomed to it but I feel like I should be rattling chains, like the ghost of managers past.  

Yesterday, the parking lot was snowy and as I was staggering from my car to my office I slipped!  Oh, the panic!  It was all ok thankfully, just a little slide,  but the first thing I did was go on a quest for the company provided grippy traction shoe things (yes, I do think that's the technical name).  I found one of the other managers and said "I slipped a little in the parking lot, I need the teethy, grippy things".  So, what did this little statement cause behind the scenes?  Today I had an employee come to me and ask if the white truck was mine, it was so I said yes.  He asked if it looked clear and safe for me to walk to my truck, I said "ummm, yes...it looks fine"?.  So he told me yesterday he was told I nearly slipped and died in the parking lot so they better make sure I was ok and the path to my car was Honolulu.  I told him I was just looking for grippy shoe things, not complaining.  Oh, the rumor mill!  Apparently I barely escaped the cruel grip of Death yet again!  

So, I'm almost back to normal...slow, stupid normal, but I am starting to do things without thinking about them so much.  Little things like picking up small dropped items off the floor like a normal person instead of just saying "well, it's on the floor" like it just got sucked into a black hole and is gone forever.   Every day is a little bit better and that's all I can ask for.  Well, that and a million dollars.  

I Prefer Diametrically Opposed Rather than Hypocrite, Thank You Very Much.

Well, I just had my three month checkup.  Prognosis, good! That makes me really happy.  I whined, naturally, about the lame leg and the hip Tendonitis or bursitis or whatever the achey hip thing is.  Here's the deal, with no arguing, debating, or disagreeing they said, "hey, we can give you a shot in that hip that should make you feel better". In classical me fashion I don't ask "with what?". I just go "sure". Then they talked about an NSAID pill I can take now that may also work,  so I went with that.  Now, I've taken these since Tuesday, and WOW!  Who knew, that hip had really hurt! Well, I guess I knew... But now, I feel much better, so yeah!  I'm supposed to call in a couple of weeks If I decide I want to go with the mystery shot, but right now I'm happy as a clam, based on the supposition that clams are all kinds of happy.   

The PA also suggested a cream for my achey wrist, from last year's unfortunate "it's not the horse's fault you can't ride" broken wrist incident.  Australian Dream from WalMart, crazy enough.  So, after my appointment, me and hubby went shopping.  Unfortunately, it's made with emu something.  Something from a dead emu, doubtlessly.  So, I struggled for a few minutes with the idea of rubbing dead emu on me, then I realized I was wearing my leather jacket and got over it.  Yes, I know, judge away I am the vegetarian in a leather jacket and covered in emu fat.  It seems to work , so that is something.  

Let's listen to me complain about the limp. Fun!  I was reassured that based off the feeling and movement I currently have, it was reasonable to expect a full recovery.  It's not an overnight recovery, but I have time right?  I hope...   On the plus side, I gave a presentation today to a work group and I was able to use myself as the "don't make fun of the broken, gimpy, or give us nicknames like, Wimpy Limpy" because, if I had feelings, it may hurt them.  I added real life impact!  Only two people looked like they were falling asleep and no one angrily debated me, so all in all it was a great presentation day!  And someone even got the door for me as I was leaving... 

In real life, I'm not thrilled about being lame and it has impacted my self perspective but it's more ironic, funny, annoying than crushing.  I guess I'll have to depend on my devastating good looks while standing motionless.  It will do.  I am walking better every day, improving slowly....very slowly, but consistently.  As long as I'm not too tired, I only limp pretty bad.  I flail about like a beached dolphin after an 8 or 9 hour day.  But, and here's the real deal, at least the pain is minimal.  Like, no big deal, minimal so I will limp about and be happy I only LOOK like I'm suffering! 

I am still walking on my treadmill and tracking it on my pedometer thing and I have walked over 100 miles!  In a month!  So, I am pretty happy with my recovery to date.  Fuse baby fuse!