Wheels Keep Spinning

Alright, not a lot is going on.  I guess that is good.  I am still really slow and limpy, I am beginning to abandon hope that the nerves are going to repair.  I don't know how to measure if there is any progress with that.  The other day I was walking and rolled my ankle a little onto the left side of my foot and listed hard because I have little feeling or strength yet.  Thankfully the couch was there so I caught myself.  I think perhaps tennis is still out of the question... I like tennis too.... Oh well.  

My leg muscle is still cramping up especially if I try to make it work.  I walked up the hill from the neighbor's house and tried to walk faster than normal slow.  That night, all night, that whole leg twisted like heads in the Exorcist.  I still can't stand on my toes or run.  I didn't run before so that's ok, but I'm shortish so I can't reach a lot of stuff.  If something falls on the ground, I still just look at it and think "Darn, too bad, I liked that too.  Well, it's gone now".   Getting off the ground?  I look like a turtle stuck on it's back, flailing about pathetically.  Sexy.  And I think I may never be able to kick someone in the head a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, unless of course they are already on the ground and passed out or otherwise immobilized.   

So, occasionally these little facts trigger massive bouts of self pity and annoyance.  I get all "woe is me! Seriously, woe is me". Dammit.  

Ok, this sounds whiny and....whiny.  It's not all doom and gloom, I'm sure.  I am pretty confident around my horses, I'm not riding yet but I don't worry they are going to just knock me over and eat me as much.  I have a new low impact hobby of making soap, pounds and pounds of homemade soap...so if my horses do knock me down at least I can get clean again.  I having gotten really comfortable asking people I don't know to carry stuff for me.  "You! Yes, you able bodied looking person....will you carry this box of work stuff out to my car?" People now sneak by my office door the same way the only person with a pickup truck sneaks by a moving neighbor.  And really, I'm not in a lot of pain I'm just stiff and stiff is not too bad compared to what it could be!  

The wheels keep spinning.  I'm bound to get some traction sooner or later....right? Time will tell. 

Soap...soap...soap.

Wait, I'm Back Here Again? How Does That Keep Happening?

Holding pattern.  Doesn't sound too horrible, but it is more annoying than one would initially think.  That is where I feel I am, in a holding pattern.  I get tired of limping, I get tired of my hip hurting but when I think about it, I know I am getting better.  But really, I don't have all year...let's get on with it already!  

I am afraid to do some stuff, like bending over or picking junk up.  I don't exactly know how to get over that but when push comes to shove, I can hold together.  For example, I went to a driving clinic (giddy up not varoom) and harnessed up a horse.  Later, said horse got into some mud in a ditch while I was in the cart and bucked enough for it to be concerning.  But, my back held through the josteling of the cart as he bucked us back up onto the road...whew!  This weekend, I nearly stepped on a snake and I successfully leapt out of the way without falling and landing face first on a pile of angry reptile.  So those are both successes!  

Downers?  Yes, it's not all bucking horses and pissed snakes, there have been some down sides too.  I am getting some weird muscle cramps in my left (the numb side) leg.  Very unpleasant.  I can't tell where or which muscle is cramping but it feels like the bone is involved somehow and it makes my foot turn inward.  This happens when I'm laying on the floor trying to do my physical therapy excercises, by the time I drag my carcass off the ground in a panic, I am DONE with them, whether I am or not.  that and my right hip still hurts.  I am back off all the medication again for the most part but yesterday and today I took the anti inflamitory naproxen again.  I had a crazy week at work last week and I find ever time I have felt rushed and scurrying about, I pay for it later.  Sort of a lose lose there, I don't know how to not be rushed at work.  

I went to physical therapy today, he gave me a few new tricks, I'm not walking as much as i was but I think that's ok.  All in all, I'm still better than I was 6 months ago, but no where near as good as I felt when I was 18.  Oh, the aging process and poor genetics (for lack of a better explanation as to why this has happened to me), is just not fair!  Whaaaa, whaaaa!  Whatcha going to do though? It doesn't really matter what how terrible or unjust the events seem, it beats a week in a Syrian refugee camp.  I am clearly too delicate for real trials and tribulations!  Lord, I'm a sissy....

Please Take a Big Step Back....

We got to my neurosurgeon's office on Monday to see my new therapist fellow.  I felt like I was limping less but moving stiff, bad enough that a coworker told me I walked funny.  Fortunately, I don't have any feelings so I wasn't hurt. Overall, I've been feeling much better.  I've had a few slow and hard to get out of bed days but substantially better than I was a few weeks ago.  That being said, I did need some hand holding and coddling to let me know everything was going to be ok.  

After polite introductions and questionairre including a map your pain areas on this drawing...an amazingly awkward experience because I never know if its suppose to be a mirror image or if I'm suppose to pretend that it's me and draw it like that, so I just feel dumb, we got started.  He prodded me some, asked me a bunch of questions, moved my legs around asking "does this bother you? Do you feel better sitting or standing?" and so on and so forth.  All in all, its 6 of one half dozen if the other, no huge differences unless I'm dragging my sorry carass out of bed or trying to get off of the floor.  In case you're wondering, hubby does look on in muted horror when I lay on the floor, he knows I struggle to get up but oh, how I love to lay on the floor!  I told him about that really busy work day, the excercises I was doing, how far and fast I was walking, and my general fear that things were going to hurt if I did them. "It hurts when I do this.  What is this? This is an actual question I asked my new physical therapist while I was digging a finger into my spine.  His response? "it's a tender spot, quit doing that." Good advice that I really can't argue with.

So, the prognosis?  Everything is healing up well.  After the "insult" of two surgeries back to back, it is going to take a little longer.  My fear has made me tense which cause my big motor muscles to engage too quickly so he gave me very small movement excercises to do.  Slow down! Walk 1 mile an hour and if I feel ok afterward and the next day bump it up to 1.1 miles an hour and very gradually build it up.  If I started to feel bad go back to where I was comfortable.  This is counter to what I was doing, I was trying to walk as fast as I could for as long as I could which was causing strain on the muscle bone connection because of my stiffness and limp.  This in turn was making it feel like rats were gnawing on my bones.  He called it minor Tendonitis, but that doesn't describe the misery accurately.  He only wants to see me 4 times, once every 2 weeks and just focus on tiny movements and relaxing into my body, trusting it won't hurt me then I can go to my old excercise list.  

I like this guy, he's professional and thorough, not to mention THE therapist working with my surgeon out of my surgeon's office, so experienced with my type of surgery.   He has an unplaceable yet reassuring accent so that added to his believability, like when Stanley said "Dr. Livingstone I presume" you just knew it was true.  It was Dr. Livingstone and I am going to be fine.  

Sometimes a Circle Feels Like a Direction

I had a bit of a set back, what a bummer.  I was sure that drilling holes through my spine would be a cake walk.  Done and done...right?  So, that concept didn't exactly pan out so whatcha gonna do?  Im happy to say I'm feeling better again, I've stopped taking the pain meds but now I'm nervous, I'm shaking.... How can I insure that I have blue skies ahead?  I staggered down the road to see the neighbors today, no problems.  I'm still crazy slow.  I have only treadmilled very lightly and I'm taking it easy.  That doesn't seem like a good long term solution though. I want to ride my horses, although I am seriously considering teaching them to drive, and walk like a normal person.  I want to be back to 100%.  Ok, I would settle for 95%. 

As a result of my above whine fest I decided to go back to physical therapy.  I'm going to a different guy, the one who actually works with my neurosurgeon's office.  My first appointment is the 21st.  I'm sad because this is expensive and I'm still in insurance deductible mode and it's an hour away.  I just didn't feel like my first PT guy listened to me though and in 5 years I don't want to be saying..."why wasn't it important enough to take care of...why, oh why didnt I go?" So in fear for future me, I'm sucking it up and paying the money and spending the time and burning my vacation time to go do this.  

It sounds terrible right?  What dreaded thing has happened?  Well, calm your worried mind my friend.  I did overdo it but I learned and I am listening to my body, like I should so I'm feeling better!  Now though, the muscles feel tight and nearly spasm at times and getting out if bed or off the floor is not graceful but I'm not in terrible pain.  Well, sometimes but only for a brief moment, it quickly passes!  But I am annoyed at being slow and I want to address this and the stiffness. I don't know what I should be doing...I need clarity and direction.  So, physical therapy may help.  So we will see!  

Drugs, Fast Cars, and Cheap Hotels

I've been staggering about feeling pretty good.  Then Friday came.  Yes, it's as bad as that.  I have been working hard, staying busy, trying to get stuff done.  A few Fridays ago, we had a frantic day.  I was scurrying about, lifting bending and SLOUCHING!  Not good.  I had been feeling some increase mystery pain on my right side, but man this turned to pain!  Sunday, I couldn't even sleep, it felt like rats were gnawing on my hip bone and lower back.  Rats that were on fire.  So I got up and found I could barely walk!  What? No!  So I drug my pathetic carcass down the stairs and to the drugs.  After looking at the Valium, I opted for a Tramadol, then sent my boss an email that I needed to take a vacation day in Monday.  Basically, that meant I worked from home on Monday, but whatever.  

So, I started taking pain pills again.  Ack.  I called my doctor and asked about it and they said come in so they could poke at me.  I've poked at me and I can't find a sensitive area but I'm in pain none the less.  I walked and was back to 1/2 a mile an hour. 

So while waiting...

We found a lovely ruby red Mustang.  About 10 hours away.  I had two vacation days that had to be used or I'd lose them by the end of the month.  I took Friday off and Monday too for my appointment.  And we got into our 1999 Escort for the drive.  Please remember that I'm on pain pills, so not as daunting as all that.  

Come on a journey with me.... So I'm the driver, we leave the house armed with our GPS and hit the dusty Nebraska highway.  We drive until I think I might die then stop for dinner.  We decide to get a hotel in Pueblo Colorado and opt for some cheap dive, sight unseen and booked the room.  We get to our lovely home away from home and I am immediately hit with a sweet weird cleaner (or rotting corpse) smell.  Ok, it seems do-able none the less.  Please remember, we've been driving for a long, long time and I'm feeling a little beat up and we are in the middle of nowhere, as usual.  So we are staying.   As I crawl into bed, I swear to God, there in a dime size spot of blood on the comforter.  Alright...the sheets seem clean so I tell hubby "do not pull the comforter up.  Don't do it!" he thinks I'm a mad women until I say "blood".  At 3:30 that sweet smell becomes unbearable, but hubby seems to be sleeping well so I just lay there thinking about bedbugs.  At 5:30, thankfully our alarm goes off and I'm up and in the shower.  While washing my hair (to get rid of any bedbugs) a little drop of diluted cheap shampoo gets in my eye.  Pain!  My eye turns bright red, and stays that way for a day and a half.  I say "we need to leave RIGHT NOW!  No coffee, no nothing... Get the bag in the car we are leaving.  We get to the dealership 3 hours later and the car is not as advertised.  Anyway, drama ensues with me yelling "that car does not have leather seats!  Where are the leather seats!" for about two hours.  Finally we cut a deal and sign the paperwork.   My parting comments after screeching about the lack of leather seats for hours with bright red eye a flashing....?  We're going for lunch, we're vegetarians, any suggestions!?!  Funniest part of the whole trip.  

Anyway, the trip in the new car was much more comfortable and we made it home in a day, no worse for wear.  

Monday, went to my doctor.  They poked about and said "hrmm, don't know.  It's not the SI joint." so good news, taking Tramadol twice a day still, they said stay off the treadmill for a week to recover and they said to keep taking the anti inflammatory drug neproxin.   So, I can do that. It's a drag, this is my first step back.  Thankfully though, I'm in a little discomfort but it's unlikely I will die.  

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Well, I am finding that I don't have much to say about the drama of being bolted together. That's good.  I have been working full, full time.  I spent last week in Blackhawk Colorado, giving presentations. That is around a 5 hour drive for the average person.  I car pooled with my boss, I was driving and of course got lost, so that added about an hour to the drive.  So, I was tired from the drive but not miserable.  

Yoga.  I went to my first yoga class last Tuesday.  That was not a flawless victory but I was there and did it, with my surgeon's office blessing of course.  I created the Floppy Dog and Wheezing Earthworm pose during that class, I'm sure they will catch on.  

My hip pain is much better, I have just stopped taking the Naproxen that was prescribed and I don't feel any different.  I think I can almost think that I am getting a little strength back into my foot.  I can't stand on my toes on my left foot yet, but I almost think I can lift it a fraction of in inch off the ground if I try really, really hard.  Not ballet dancer worthy yet, but give me a couple more months.  I was climbing on the counter the other day because I can't reach very high.  My hubby walked in and nearly panicked.  I really was stuck, but I am feeling well enough to start climbing on the kitchen counters.  I can't reach anything but I am gaining confidence.  So, a partial victory? 

I still can't jump on the bed, run, stand on my tiptoes, or bend over and touch the ground without bending my knees but I can work a full shift, walk with less of a limp, lay on the floor and get back up off the ground, and my balance is getting better.  Here is something I should have known though (fun horsie facts to follow).  When your horse is having a lameness or gait issue, you change the way they are trimmed or their shoes to help their stride and break over.  Right?  Everyone knows that.... Here's the thing, it never occurred to me that the same would be true FOR ME.  I got a super slick looking pair of tall black boots with a chunky 1 inch heel.  Guess who doesn't limp nearly as bad with that little bit of heel?  So, flat flat shoes aren't the best for me. Guess I have to wear my super cool black boots...I mean, it's for my health.  

Mixed Emotions are Not as Good as a Mixed Drink

Well, here I am...still recovering right?  Anyway, I am still frustrated by the nerve damage.  Is it better? The same?  I can't tell.  A coworker told me yesterday I was walking a lot better, so that's a good sign...right?  Or am I just getting used to it...? Anyway, that continues to be my biggest complaint.  So all in all, doing good!  Maybe the nerve damage is keeping me from over doing it, maybe it's a blessing, forcing me to take it at a reasonable pace.  My silver lining is also my bane. 

I'm still stiff and a little achy, I really think I can feel the rods or something.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird, almost like someone sliced me open and bolted metal parts into my back.  Crazy, I know!  I feel the worse at the beginning of the night after I've gone to bed.  This last week I've worked about 50 hours (and have to work this weekend to keep up, so not done yet) and I have a big presentation next week in Colorado, so that's a five hour plus drive one way so I think that's probably one of the reasons im feeling achy and don't I expect that to change anytime soon.  I'm afraid I've only been walking about half an hour a night this last week, so that's bad!  I know, I know, I have to set limits but this work crap isn't going to get itself done.  Ack!  I need to make sure I have enough energy to walk.  I need to stay focused on my health.  But, I really need my job too. Priorities. 

Anyway, I am getting off the floor after my physical therapy excercises much easier.  I am doing a lot of  the things, except ride my horses, that I did before surgery.  I feel fine.  Sometimes I get really distraught over the idea I might not  be able to do everything I want to do though.  Can I walk for hours through a town when we are on vacation?  Im so slow, I think not yet.  Can I rock climb again?  Well, there aren't any rocks close to where I live except for Devil's Tower in Wyoming and I don't think I could have ever climbed it, even in perfect shape.  Horses?  The doctor says yes, but falling off is scary.  I don't know, I'm projecting into an unknown future, it's scary, it's the unknown.  So I guess it's the same as it always was.  No guarantees good or bad for anyone.