Screw You Fate! (just kidding fate...playing to the audience...no offense intended)

Went back to my home state, 16 long hours across 6 states.  I'm going to create a video game called Escape Montana, the goal being finding the border. It felt like we were in Montana 15 of those 16 hours.  It just would not end.  

While I was there, I went on my first trail ride since surgery.  I was riding Katie, she used to be kept at my house so I knew her pretty well.  We went with 4 other people and Katie wanted to keep up.  I wanted to go slow...like walk slow.  She thought that was B.S and that I was stifling her equine enthusiasm so some head tossing and pulling was involved.  I just wanted to stay at the back of the pack with another rider on an older horse.  

We went up hills and down, my left numb leg struggled so I listed to the right and the saddle wanted to pull over some.  Let's hear it for breastplates that help hold saddles in place!  When I walk I list to the left so at least it was a change of pace.  Now here is the exciting news!  I got off and I felt fine.  Like really, no worse than normal and normal is fine.  Yay!  I felt fine the next day too!  Double Yay!  Screw you fate.  I'll ride if I want too.  

All in all, the entire trip was great.  I was a bit achy due to driving, activities and a different bed and as usual, slow and limpy but hey, whatever.  My dear friend gave me a beautiful saddle and matching bridle and breastplate that will fit my giant horse Rome.  I have some confidence born from not dying on my trail ride.  Things are okee dokee.

We had a great time visiting friends and family and just hanging out. Shopping, cooking, eating and of course making soap.   It was a great trip and much needed.  

Another dear friend had a nasty spill off her motorcycle and I had a chance to see her at the physical rehab facility.  To her, I believe in you and your ability to make a full recovery.  Be easy on yourself and celebrate the little improvements!  Sometimes they feel few and far between, but thankfully, we do heal!

  

One Year and Counting

Today, one year ago things changed.  In the rather mundane task of picking up a bar of commercial soap (I note that because few people realize the dangers of using soap that is not hand crafted), a bar  that had fallen on the shower floor, I destroyed a disc in my back.  One bar of soap and one year later.  

I'm still recovering, I think I may be recovering for the rest of my life.  I wouldn't be surprised, I'm still trying to lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight and my daughter is 22 now.  Things take time.  It can be hard to be patient though.

I must be honest, I am not exactly where I envisioned myself.  In 5 days it will be the anniversary of my 1st surgery and then a few weeks later my second surgery.  So, because lists are fun lets see what I can now do that I could not do a year ago....wheeee!

- I can sleep in my bed

- I can walk up and down stairs like a grown up

- I can walk without falling down

- I am not taking truckloads of pain medication (my liver thanks me)

- I can stand upright

- I can pretty much live my life

What I cannot do

- stand on my left tiptoes

- walk in heels

- stop whining about the injustice of it all 

- feel half my left stupid leg

- run... Ok I've never really run like a normal person, I've always cantered.  I can canter on my right lead, I cannot canter well on my left lead.  Ask a horse person what I'm talking about.

What I should be able to do but seem to be having problems

- be brave enough to ride again

- walk with less of a limp.  I have gotten accustomed to limping, I tried to walk with less of a limp, roll of my weird numb toes more and I can.  Limping has become a bad habit.

What have I learned?  Life is pretty unpredictable.  I have had some crazy falls from horses, I've been in car accidents, I've lived an active and not risk free life.  I got taken down by a bar of soap.  So, enjoy every minute.  Enjoy the small things.  And most importantly, buy safe hand crafted soap, I just happen to have some.  

More of Nothing Much

Well everything has slowed down to a strange normality.  So, in an effort to sound "new and exciting" I have been doing the monthly update.  I don't want get boring.  Yes, it may be a bit late for that, rude to notice though.  

Exciting news, I think I can sort of almost stand on my left foot toes.  Yeah! Right?  It's faint, I prop myself up with both tippy toes and hold onto the counter and, here is where it gets exciting, I actually lift up my right foot and I think I can maybe feel a fraction of a second of resitance before I am back flat on my left foot.  Progress!  I mean it's only been 10 months, you can't expect miracles.  I will just continue to hope the neurosurgeon was right when he said he thought the nerve damage would repair.

I still haven't been on my horses.  I have to admit, I think I can sit on a horse but any sudden movements, or perish the thought, fall, still scares me.  Everything scares me though.  I am getting better about picking stuff off the floor though, so that is a little bit of awesome.  

I am doing a plane trip next month.  I intend to walk through the airport this time!  I am still not fast, thankfully planes have quit flying out of Western Nebraska so I am driving to Denver.  That means no connecting flights so no need to rush.  My last flight, as you may or may not remember involved wheelchairs.  That was cool, but has since ceased to be practical.  

I am seriously slacking on the physical therapy, I admit.  I think I feel better doing less but I feel sort of guilty like I should do more.  I am happily staggering about with my new weird soaping hobby...soap, soap for sale or trade!  Well you do what you can and don't whine about what you can't.  Ok, that's a lie, I whine all the time but so far that has changed nothing.   

Wheels Keep Spinning

Alright, not a lot is going on.  I guess that is good.  I am still really slow and limpy, I am beginning to abandon hope that the nerves are going to repair.  I don't know how to measure if there is any progress with that.  The other day I was walking and rolled my ankle a little onto the left side of my foot and listed hard because I have little feeling or strength yet.  Thankfully the couch was there so I caught myself.  I think perhaps tennis is still out of the question... I like tennis too.... Oh well.  

My leg muscle is still cramping up especially if I try to make it work.  I walked up the hill from the neighbor's house and tried to walk faster than normal slow.  That night, all night, that whole leg twisted like heads in the Exorcist.  I still can't stand on my toes or run.  I didn't run before so that's ok, but I'm shortish so I can't reach a lot of stuff.  If something falls on the ground, I still just look at it and think "Darn, too bad, I liked that too.  Well, it's gone now".   Getting off the ground?  I look like a turtle stuck on it's back, flailing about pathetically.  Sexy.  And I think I may never be able to kick someone in the head a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, unless of course they are already on the ground and passed out or otherwise immobilized.   

So, occasionally these little facts trigger massive bouts of self pity and annoyance.  I get all "woe is me! Seriously, woe is me". Dammit.  

Ok, this sounds whiny and....whiny.  It's not all doom and gloom, I'm sure.  I am pretty confident around my horses, I'm not riding yet but I don't worry they are going to just knock me over and eat me as much.  I have a new low impact hobby of making soap, pounds and pounds of homemade soap...so if my horses do knock me down at least I can get clean again.  I having gotten really comfortable asking people I don't know to carry stuff for me.  "You! Yes, you able bodied looking person....will you carry this box of work stuff out to my car?" People now sneak by my office door the same way the only person with a pickup truck sneaks by a moving neighbor.  And really, I'm not in a lot of pain I'm just stiff and stiff is not too bad compared to what it could be!  

The wheels keep spinning.  I'm bound to get some traction sooner or later....right? Time will tell. 

Soap...soap...soap.

Wait, I'm Back Here Again? How Does That Keep Happening?

Holding pattern.  Doesn't sound too horrible, but it is more annoying than one would initially think.  That is where I feel I am, in a holding pattern.  I get tired of limping, I get tired of my hip hurting but when I think about it, I know I am getting better.  But really, I don't have all year...let's get on with it already!  

I am afraid to do some stuff, like bending over or picking junk up.  I don't exactly know how to get over that but when push comes to shove, I can hold together.  For example, I went to a driving clinic (giddy up not varoom) and harnessed up a horse.  Later, said horse got into some mud in a ditch while I was in the cart and bucked enough for it to be concerning.  But, my back held through the josteling of the cart as he bucked us back up onto the road...whew!  This weekend, I nearly stepped on a snake and I successfully leapt out of the way without falling and landing face first on a pile of angry reptile.  So those are both successes!  

Downers?  Yes, it's not all bucking horses and pissed snakes, there have been some down sides too.  I am getting some weird muscle cramps in my left (the numb side) leg.  Very unpleasant.  I can't tell where or which muscle is cramping but it feels like the bone is involved somehow and it makes my foot turn inward.  This happens when I'm laying on the floor trying to do my physical therapy excercises, by the time I drag my carcass off the ground in a panic, I am DONE with them, whether I am or not.  that and my right hip still hurts.  I am back off all the medication again for the most part but yesterday and today I took the anti inflamitory naproxen again.  I had a crazy week at work last week and I find ever time I have felt rushed and scurrying about, I pay for it later.  Sort of a lose lose there, I don't know how to not be rushed at work.  

I went to physical therapy today, he gave me a few new tricks, I'm not walking as much as i was but I think that's ok.  All in all, I'm still better than I was 6 months ago, but no where near as good as I felt when I was 18.  Oh, the aging process and poor genetics (for lack of a better explanation as to why this has happened to me), is just not fair!  Whaaaa, whaaaa!  Whatcha going to do though? It doesn't really matter what how terrible or unjust the events seem, it beats a week in a Syrian refugee camp.  I am clearly too delicate for real trials and tribulations!  Lord, I'm a sissy....

Please Take a Big Step Back....

We got to my neurosurgeon's office on Monday to see my new therapist fellow.  I felt like I was limping less but moving stiff, bad enough that a coworker told me I walked funny.  Fortunately, I don't have any feelings so I wasn't hurt. Overall, I've been feeling much better.  I've had a few slow and hard to get out of bed days but substantially better than I was a few weeks ago.  That being said, I did need some hand holding and coddling to let me know everything was going to be ok.  

After polite introductions and questionairre including a map your pain areas on this drawing...an amazingly awkward experience because I never know if its suppose to be a mirror image or if I'm suppose to pretend that it's me and draw it like that, so I just feel dumb, we got started.  He prodded me some, asked me a bunch of questions, moved my legs around asking "does this bother you? Do you feel better sitting or standing?" and so on and so forth.  All in all, its 6 of one half dozen if the other, no huge differences unless I'm dragging my sorry carass out of bed or trying to get off of the floor.  In case you're wondering, hubby does look on in muted horror when I lay on the floor, he knows I struggle to get up but oh, how I love to lay on the floor!  I told him about that really busy work day, the excercises I was doing, how far and fast I was walking, and my general fear that things were going to hurt if I did them. "It hurts when I do this.  What is this? This is an actual question I asked my new physical therapist while I was digging a finger into my spine.  His response? "it's a tender spot, quit doing that." Good advice that I really can't argue with.

So, the prognosis?  Everything is healing up well.  After the "insult" of two surgeries back to back, it is going to take a little longer.  My fear has made me tense which cause my big motor muscles to engage too quickly so he gave me very small movement excercises to do.  Slow down! Walk 1 mile an hour and if I feel ok afterward and the next day bump it up to 1.1 miles an hour and very gradually build it up.  If I started to feel bad go back to where I was comfortable.  This is counter to what I was doing, I was trying to walk as fast as I could for as long as I could which was causing strain on the muscle bone connection because of my stiffness and limp.  This in turn was making it feel like rats were gnawing on my bones.  He called it minor Tendonitis, but that doesn't describe the misery accurately.  He only wants to see me 4 times, once every 2 weeks and just focus on tiny movements and relaxing into my body, trusting it won't hurt me then I can go to my old excercise list.  

I like this guy, he's professional and thorough, not to mention THE therapist working with my surgeon out of my surgeon's office, so experienced with my type of surgery.   He has an unplaceable yet reassuring accent so that added to his believability, like when Stanley said "Dr. Livingstone I presume" you just knew it was true.  It was Dr. Livingstone and I am going to be fine.  

Sometimes a Circle Feels Like a Direction

I had a bit of a set back, what a bummer.  I was sure that drilling holes through my spine would be a cake walk.  Done and done...right?  So, that concept didn't exactly pan out so whatcha gonna do?  Im happy to say I'm feeling better again, I've stopped taking the pain meds but now I'm nervous, I'm shaking.... How can I insure that I have blue skies ahead?  I staggered down the road to see the neighbors today, no problems.  I'm still crazy slow.  I have only treadmilled very lightly and I'm taking it easy.  That doesn't seem like a good long term solution though. I want to ride my horses, although I am seriously considering teaching them to drive, and walk like a normal person.  I want to be back to 100%.  Ok, I would settle for 95%. 

As a result of my above whine fest I decided to go back to physical therapy.  I'm going to a different guy, the one who actually works with my neurosurgeon's office.  My first appointment is the 21st.  I'm sad because this is expensive and I'm still in insurance deductible mode and it's an hour away.  I just didn't feel like my first PT guy listened to me though and in 5 years I don't want to be saying..."why wasn't it important enough to take care of...why, oh why didnt I go?" So in fear for future me, I'm sucking it up and paying the money and spending the time and burning my vacation time to go do this.  

It sounds terrible right?  What dreaded thing has happened?  Well, calm your worried mind my friend.  I did overdo it but I learned and I am listening to my body, like I should so I'm feeling better!  Now though, the muscles feel tight and nearly spasm at times and getting out if bed or off the floor is not graceful but I'm not in terrible pain.  Well, sometimes but only for a brief moment, it quickly passes!  But I am annoyed at being slow and I want to address this and the stiffness. I don't know what I should be doing...I need clarity and direction.  So, physical therapy may help.  So we will see!  

Drugs, Fast Cars, and Cheap Hotels

I've been staggering about feeling pretty good.  Then Friday came.  Yes, it's as bad as that.  I have been working hard, staying busy, trying to get stuff done.  A few Fridays ago, we had a frantic day.  I was scurrying about, lifting bending and SLOUCHING!  Not good.  I had been feeling some increase mystery pain on my right side, but man this turned to pain!  Sunday, I couldn't even sleep, it felt like rats were gnawing on my hip bone and lower back.  Rats that were on fire.  So I got up and found I could barely walk!  What? No!  So I drug my pathetic carcass down the stairs and to the drugs.  After looking at the Valium, I opted for a Tramadol, then sent my boss an email that I needed to take a vacation day in Monday.  Basically, that meant I worked from home on Monday, but whatever.  

So, I started taking pain pills again.  Ack.  I called my doctor and asked about it and they said come in so they could poke at me.  I've poked at me and I can't find a sensitive area but I'm in pain none the less.  I walked and was back to 1/2 a mile an hour. 

So while waiting...

We found a lovely ruby red Mustang.  About 10 hours away.  I had two vacation days that had to be used or I'd lose them by the end of the month.  I took Friday off and Monday too for my appointment.  And we got into our 1999 Escort for the drive.  Please remember that I'm on pain pills, so not as daunting as all that.  

Come on a journey with me.... So I'm the driver, we leave the house armed with our GPS and hit the dusty Nebraska highway.  We drive until I think I might die then stop for dinner.  We decide to get a hotel in Pueblo Colorado and opt for some cheap dive, sight unseen and booked the room.  We get to our lovely home away from home and I am immediately hit with a sweet weird cleaner (or rotting corpse) smell.  Ok, it seems do-able none the less.  Please remember, we've been driving for a long, long time and I'm feeling a little beat up and we are in the middle of nowhere, as usual.  So we are staying.   As I crawl into bed, I swear to God, there in a dime size spot of blood on the comforter.  Alright...the sheets seem clean so I tell hubby "do not pull the comforter up.  Don't do it!" he thinks I'm a mad women until I say "blood".  At 3:30 that sweet smell becomes unbearable, but hubby seems to be sleeping well so I just lay there thinking about bedbugs.  At 5:30, thankfully our alarm goes off and I'm up and in the shower.  While washing my hair (to get rid of any bedbugs) a little drop of diluted cheap shampoo gets in my eye.  Pain!  My eye turns bright red, and stays that way for a day and a half.  I say "we need to leave RIGHT NOW!  No coffee, no nothing... Get the bag in the car we are leaving.  We get to the dealership 3 hours later and the car is not as advertised.  Anyway, drama ensues with me yelling "that car does not have leather seats!  Where are the leather seats!" for about two hours.  Finally we cut a deal and sign the paperwork.   My parting comments after screeching about the lack of leather seats for hours with bright red eye a flashing....?  We're going for lunch, we're vegetarians, any suggestions!?!  Funniest part of the whole trip.  

Anyway, the trip in the new car was much more comfortable and we made it home in a day, no worse for wear.  

Monday, went to my doctor.  They poked about and said "hrmm, don't know.  It's not the SI joint." so good news, taking Tramadol twice a day still, they said stay off the treadmill for a week to recover and they said to keep taking the anti inflammatory drug neproxin.   So, I can do that. It's a drag, this is my first step back.  Thankfully though, I'm in a little discomfort but it's unlikely I will die.  

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Well, I am finding that I don't have much to say about the drama of being bolted together. That's good.  I have been working full, full time.  I spent last week in Blackhawk Colorado, giving presentations. That is around a 5 hour drive for the average person.  I car pooled with my boss, I was driving and of course got lost, so that added about an hour to the drive.  So, I was tired from the drive but not miserable.  

Yoga.  I went to my first yoga class last Tuesday.  That was not a flawless victory but I was there and did it, with my surgeon's office blessing of course.  I created the Floppy Dog and Wheezing Earthworm pose during that class, I'm sure they will catch on.  

My hip pain is much better, I have just stopped taking the Naproxen that was prescribed and I don't feel any different.  I think I can almost think that I am getting a little strength back into my foot.  I can't stand on my toes on my left foot yet, but I almost think I can lift it a fraction of in inch off the ground if I try really, really hard.  Not ballet dancer worthy yet, but give me a couple more months.  I was climbing on the counter the other day because I can't reach very high.  My hubby walked in and nearly panicked.  I really was stuck, but I am feeling well enough to start climbing on the kitchen counters.  I can't reach anything but I am gaining confidence.  So, a partial victory? 

I still can't jump on the bed, run, stand on my tiptoes, or bend over and touch the ground without bending my knees but I can work a full shift, walk with less of a limp, lay on the floor and get back up off the ground, and my balance is getting better.  Here is something I should have known though (fun horsie facts to follow).  When your horse is having a lameness or gait issue, you change the way they are trimmed or their shoes to help their stride and break over.  Right?  Everyone knows that.... Here's the thing, it never occurred to me that the same would be true FOR ME.  I got a super slick looking pair of tall black boots with a chunky 1 inch heel.  Guess who doesn't limp nearly as bad with that little bit of heel?  So, flat flat shoes aren't the best for me. Guess I have to wear my super cool black boots...I mean, it's for my health.  

Mixed Emotions are Not as Good as a Mixed Drink

Well, here I am...still recovering right?  Anyway, I am still frustrated by the nerve damage.  Is it better? The same?  I can't tell.  A coworker told me yesterday I was walking a lot better, so that's a good sign...right?  Or am I just getting used to it...? Anyway, that continues to be my biggest complaint.  So all in all, doing good!  Maybe the nerve damage is keeping me from over doing it, maybe it's a blessing, forcing me to take it at a reasonable pace.  My silver lining is also my bane. 

I'm still stiff and a little achy, I really think I can feel the rods or something.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird, almost like someone sliced me open and bolted metal parts into my back.  Crazy, I know!  I feel the worse at the beginning of the night after I've gone to bed.  This last week I've worked about 50 hours (and have to work this weekend to keep up, so not done yet) and I have a big presentation next week in Colorado, so that's a five hour plus drive one way so I think that's probably one of the reasons im feeling achy and don't I expect that to change anytime soon.  I'm afraid I've only been walking about half an hour a night this last week, so that's bad!  I know, I know, I have to set limits but this work crap isn't going to get itself done.  Ack!  I need to make sure I have enough energy to walk.  I need to stay focused on my health.  But, I really need my job too. Priorities. 

Anyway, I am getting off the floor after my physical therapy excercises much easier.  I am doing a lot of  the things, except ride my horses, that I did before surgery.  I feel fine.  Sometimes I get really distraught over the idea I might not  be able to do everything I want to do though.  Can I walk for hours through a town when we are on vacation?  Im so slow, I think not yet.  Can I rock climb again?  Well, there aren't any rocks close to where I live except for Devil's Tower in Wyoming and I don't think I could have ever climbed it, even in perfect shape.  Horses?  The doctor says yes, but falling off is scary.  I don't know, I'm projecting into an unknown future, it's scary, it's the unknown.  So I guess it's the same as it always was.  No guarantees good or bad for anyone.  

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Well, I wandered out into the world of air travel last week for a work trip.  My flight was scheduled for last Monday from the local, rural airport to Denver then on to Texas.  Perhaps you have read there has been a pilot shortage and our little airline only pays about $21,000 a year (process that for a sec, the PILOT makes about the same as the fry guy at McDonald's). I would say something about safety but honestly, they have some skin in the game, if the plane goes down they're going down too.  But still...no wonder there is a pilot shortage.  Anyway, I got a call on Friday that my flight was cancelled so I had to drive to Denver in the snow on Sunday. For those of you unfamiliar with this part of the country there is a whole lot of nothing between my home and Denver so it was a long drive with few safe places to get out of the car and walk around.  Thankfully, I made it to the hotel, so one leg of the journey down!

On to the airport adventure.  When I was checking my bags, I asked how far it was to my gate.  It was like 1000 miles, or it might as well have been.  People were scurrying around, swinging bags and luggage about, not looking where they were going and I will admit I was scared someone was going to crash into me and I would die.  Or fall down where I would be stuck on my back waving my arms around like the guy in Kafka's Metamorphasis.  All in all, not an appealing mental picture, so I sucked up my pride and asked for a wheelchair. 

Now, this is where my story gets awesome.  When you are being pushed in a wheelchair you cut to the front of every line.  So that long security line, yep skipped it all and straight to the front of the line and right to my gate.  Hmmm, embarrassing perhaps but I found that convenience was a definite balm to my ego.  Who knew?  One of the dubious benefits of being wobbley, stupid slow and lame.  

At the meeting two of the AVPs came to talk to me to see how I was feeling.  It turned out they had both also had back surgery. I am just amazed at how many people I keep encountering that had back surgery and recovered fine.  They were both so positive and understanding because they had been in a similar situation.  My co workers all seemed glad I was back and I only almost fell down once when I lost my balance,  got tangled in someone's computer bag,  tried to catch myself on the wall, naturally the accordion section of a dividing wall, which gave when I leaned on it, and down I was headed.  My boss caught me in mid fall so tragedy averted!  Oh, such beauty and grace! 

Anyway, I made the journey safe and sound.  It was exhausting and it took two days to recover once I got home but it was because it was tiring not because I was in a lot of pain, just as usual, achey.  Maybe I'm not ready for any big vacation trips yet and that is good to know!  Better to find that out while still in the U.S and not hiking through some foreign airport, right?

Escaping the Clutches of Death

So, I have found that insanely, intolerably, miserably cold weather makes the giant screws in my back ache.  According to my car's thermometer it was -10 on my drive home from work today.  Here, let me write that out...ten degrees below zero. So, my eyeballs freeze and my back aches.  Why...why do I live here...? 

I'm working full time now, I spend half the day standing and the other half sitting on my excercise ball.  As instructed by my doctor, I get up and wander the halls periodically, peering into offices and dragging my numb leg.  Sometimes I mutter to myself for effect.  People are getting accustomed to it but I feel like I should be rattling chains, like the ghost of managers past.  

Yesterday, the parking lot was snowy and as I was staggering from my car to my office I slipped!  Oh, the panic!  It was all ok thankfully, just a little slide,  but the first thing I did was go on a quest for the company provided grippy traction shoe things (yes, I do think that's the technical name).  I found one of the other managers and said "I slipped a little in the parking lot, I need the teethy, grippy things".  So, what did this little statement cause behind the scenes?  Today I had an employee come to me and ask if the white truck was mine, it was so I said yes.  He asked if it looked clear and safe for me to walk to my truck, I said "ummm, yes...it looks fine"?.  So he told me yesterday he was told I nearly slipped and died in the parking lot so they better make sure I was ok and the path to my car was Honolulu.  I told him I was just looking for grippy shoe things, not complaining.  Oh, the rumor mill!  Apparently I barely escaped the cruel grip of Death yet again!  

So, I'm almost back to normal...slow, stupid normal, but I am starting to do things without thinking about them so much.  Little things like picking up small dropped items off the floor like a normal person instead of just saying "well, it's on the floor" like it just got sucked into a black hole and is gone forever.   Every day is a little bit better and that's all I can ask for.  Well, that and a million dollars.  

I Prefer Diametrically Opposed Rather than Hypocrite, Thank You Very Much.

Well, I just had my three month checkup.  Prognosis, good! That makes me really happy.  I whined, naturally, about the lame leg and the hip Tendonitis or bursitis or whatever the achey hip thing is.  Here's the deal, with no arguing, debating, or disagreeing they said, "hey, we can give you a shot in that hip that should make you feel better". In classical me fashion I don't ask "with what?". I just go "sure". Then they talked about an NSAID pill I can take now that may also work,  so I went with that.  Now, I've taken these since Tuesday, and WOW!  Who knew, that hip had really hurt! Well, I guess I knew... But now, I feel much better, so yeah!  I'm supposed to call in a couple of weeks If I decide I want to go with the mystery shot, but right now I'm happy as a clam, based on the supposition that clams are all kinds of happy.   

The PA also suggested a cream for my achey wrist, from last year's unfortunate "it's not the horse's fault you can't ride" broken wrist incident.  Australian Dream from WalMart, crazy enough.  So, after my appointment, me and hubby went shopping.  Unfortunately, it's made with emu something.  Something from a dead emu, doubtlessly.  So, I struggled for a few minutes with the idea of rubbing dead emu on me, then I realized I was wearing my leather jacket and got over it.  Yes, I know, judge away I am the vegetarian in a leather jacket and covered in emu fat.  It seems to work , so that is something.  

Let's listen to me complain about the limp. Fun!  I was reassured that based off the feeling and movement I currently have, it was reasonable to expect a full recovery.  It's not an overnight recovery, but I have time right?  I hope...   On the plus side, I gave a presentation today to a work group and I was able to use myself as the "don't make fun of the broken, gimpy, or give us nicknames like, Wimpy Limpy" because, if I had feelings, it may hurt them.  I added real life impact!  Only two people looked like they were falling asleep and no one angrily debated me, so all in all it was a great presentation day!  And someone even got the door for me as I was leaving... 

In real life, I'm not thrilled about being lame and it has impacted my self perspective but it's more ironic, funny, annoying than crushing.  I guess I'll have to depend on my devastating good looks while standing motionless.  It will do.  I am walking better every day, improving slowly....very slowly, but consistently.  As long as I'm not too tired, I only limp pretty bad.  I flail about like a beached dolphin after an 8 or 9 hour day.  But, and here's the real deal, at least the pain is minimal.  Like, no big deal, minimal so I will limp about and be happy I only LOOK like I'm suffering! 

I am still walking on my treadmill and tracking it on my pedometer thing and I have walked over 100 miles!  In a month!  So, I am pretty happy with my recovery to date.  Fuse baby fuse!

Like a Lame Mule

Working is work.  Really, I forgot.  I'm still on part time or half days or whatever, so 11 hours yesterday and just 9 hours today.  This is really cutting into my drinking time.  I go in to my surgeon for my 3 month post op on Tuesday.  Yeah!  3 months!  I'm sure I'll be cleared for full duty, but I'm kind of scared of what that is going to look like, I feel full time now.  I need to remember that I am my best health advocate...or whatever.  

Our construction deptartment came and built me a super cool standing work station, telecom is getting me set up with a new phone system so I will have a conference line right there.  I love new stuff! I'm off on my first business trip, on a plane and everything in February so it looks like life is just about back to normal.  Except for my limping, which continues to suck.  I want to wear heels but I nearly fall off of flat ground so probably not the best idea.  Lame.  I'm lame.  Literally lame.  Good thing I'm not a mule, someone would have shot me by now.  

How am I feeling?  Thank you for asking!  Well, I'm doing pretty good.  I get tired quickly, I really can't sit for a long time, not that I'm suppose to anyway.  I am sitting on my excercise ball for too long at one time but it's hard to get away and walk.  I try, but I think my standing work area combined with my excercise ball sitting area is a fairly decent combination.  I need to get a timer or something to remind me that its time to stagger about aimlessly.  

Everyone still keeps asking how I got bucked off my horse.  Our rumor mill is FAST but only has about a 5% accuracy rate.  It's a better story than what actually happened ( that rogue soap sliver of death) so I'll just go with it.  So, a little achey but hey, not bad.  Like how you might feel if you over excercised, nothing horrid.  But damn that limp!  Really, nerve damage just sucks.  Sigh.  

Whiny, winey, wine...let's have wine

I'm having a severe bout of self pity.  Woe IS me!  

I'm working 6 or 7 hour days now and I'm tired, sore, behind ( yes, already), bitchy, and sad.  Overall, I've been operating under rather restricted parameters.  Our house has a lot of floors, five to be exact, but the floors aren't very big in general.  The sitting room floor is pretty contained so I stagger about and feel pretty confident.  I walk on my treadmill an hour a day, usually at 2 mph and I feel like I'm king of the world.  When I lose my balance I just grab onto the handles.  Spoiler alert, real life doesn't have handles but sometimes there are walls.  

Yesterday I drove an hour one way to talk to some employees and that went pretty good but I was so tired afterward I just went home and fell asleep.  Not like "oh, I'm tired" more like "this floor looks like a good place to pass out".  Today, I drove an hour out to a work event.  I get there and I am limping, slow, single stepping down stairs, catching myself with the walls, and feeling...well impaired, I was feeling impaired.  I'm with another person who is running the meeting and training me on the new computer software so that was good.  I got so frustrated at this "new, crappy me" version, I was just in tears, really.  But of course, "There ain't no cryin' in fine dinin'". (why yes, I do watch Top Chef...why do you ask?  Because I stole that quote, you say?  Perhaps...).  Anyway I pulled it together, sort of.  One of my department managers was like "so people said you fell off your horse or off that exercise ball in your office!". Umm, no neither happened and that falls squarely into the none of your damned business category anyway.  Of course I didn't say that last part, but really I was thinking it pretty hard.

Anyway, I have been working to be upbeat and positive, but that's not always reality is it?  Today I feel pretty bleak.  Give me credit folks, I edited out all the f words I wanted to use.  You're welcome, this story was twice as long before it was cleaned up.   I have to remember that nerves heal slow, so there is a pretty good chance this isn't a permanent situation but it's a bummer.  At least my bosses all seem to be understanding and supportive, so that's good.  

Bitch and Whine edition is now over, now where is the wine?

Glad You're Gone 2013. Don't Come Back.

2014 had better be a kinder gentler year or I'll ...well I guess I'll do nothing, but I will sure be annoyed if its not!  I spent too much time beat up in 2013. I really thought the broken wrist recovery at the beginning of the year was the worst thing that was going to happen.  Turns out, not so much.  

So far the first 2 days of 2014 have listened to my wishes for a non-eventful year.  So that's good.  I feel great today, I worked my half day and nothing bad happened. I even trekked out into the "real world" to take care of a work issue.  I had to park my work truck in a snow and ice covered parking lot, eek!  Very Scary!  So, I held into my and everyone else's cars on the way into the building.  Then to get into the offices, you have to go through a long underground tunnel.  Longest walk ever and man, I am slow.  You know those time lapse films where everyone is moving in fast forward and one person is just sort of standing there?  That was me.  I was passed by everyone but hey, I made it!  

I've been dedicating an hour a day to walking on my treadmill and now that I'm entering the land of the living I picked up a pedometer thingy so I could get credit for that walking too.  There is a prize for the person who walks the most and I want to win it.  Oh wait, no there isn't... so I guess it's just for my personal satisfaction.  Wait, I don't like that either.  Once I walk some distance that I'll determine at a later date I'm going to buy myself a new PRS guitar or a shiny new horse or something.  So there is now a prize and I will win it!  Yeah! 

I am also doing about a thousand different physical therapy excercises.  Some of them are pretty brutal, like those wall slide chair sit things.  A wall is not a chair, a chair has legs and my legs think I should be aware of that fact.  A lot of the excercises are on the floor though.  So I have found that I am most aware something bad has happened to me when I am struggling to get back up off the ground afterwards.  You've seen 11 month olds struggling to stand, dragging themselves up with any available piece of furniture so they can teeter for a moment looking pleased?  Well, picture that on a 44 year old.  It's just not as endearing (it might even verge on sad) but it is what it is.  

I get some twinges, some minor aches and pains but the truth is I feel much better than before I was bolted together.  I'll keep following doctor's orders and listening to my body (unless it just my thighs yelling that I should just find a chair already as I'm doing my PT excercises) and keep on healing.